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Mystico’s Cinematic Horoscopes

Mystico’s Cinematic Horoscopes

Aries  Help an elderly neighbor who needs a ride to Mos Eisley, and earn a free lesson on the ways of the force. P.S. — that hologram is your twin sister! Taurus  You will join The Preacher’s Wife and The Farmer’s Daughter, in pursuit of The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit. Gemini  Next Tuesday […]

Senior Specific Horoscopes

Senior Specific Horoscopes

Aries  Nothing is as good as it used to be — except your ability to give snotty kids an unsolicited history lesson! Taurus  Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Invest equally in scratch tickets, BINGO cards and high yield municipal bonds. Gemini  One person’s twerking is another person’s Dougie and another’s hustle, twist […]

Mystico’s Eerily Accurate Horoscopes

Mystico’s Eerily Accurate Horoscopes

Aries  Beware the rash impulse to purchase that optional in-store warranty. Like blessings for sneezing atheists, they are rarely worth the effort. Taurus  This is a horrible week to set goals. Time is to be frittered, money is to be wasted and orders are to be super-sized! Gemini  A little bird called Buzzfeed tells Mystico: […]

Mystico’s Progress Report Horoscopes

Mystico’s Progress Report Horoscopes

Aries  You will have a brief but torrid affair with the dead ringer for a pedestrian in an architectural rendering for a high rise yet to be built. Taurus  Near the fenced off point where the High Line’s final section begins, you will find a self-destructing tape with instructions for your next dangerous assignment. Accept! […]

Love Horoscopes

Love Horoscopes

Aries  Staten Island Chuck predicts six weeks of bad romance, should you fall for a suave player’s tempting pick-up line. Resist! Taurus  Be on the lookout for the wearer of a raspberry beret, walking in through the out door. It is your one true soulmate! Gemini  A purely physical relationship is like Justin Bieber’s monkey: […]

Mystico’s Eerily Accurate Horoscopes

Mystico’s Eerily Accurate Horoscopes

Aries  This is the day to ditch your laser-like focus. Fantastic ideas flow from a wandering mind — but rein it in by week’s end, or risk a liberated noggin that remains stubbornly loopy. Taurus  A scheming foe is being coerced by an unseen puppet master. Clip their  strings, and join forces with your new […]

Mystico’s Predictions for 2014

Mystico’s Predictions for 2014

Aries  Ranch dressing, Reality TV, figs, vintage jewelry and an ill-advised tweet conspire to create your most event-filled February yet. Taurus  Fonzie says “Aaay!” — and so will you, as a series of April and August events see your workplace stock soar to unprecedented heights. Gemini  After being hit with cosmic rays during a full […]

Mystico’s Holiday Predictions, 2013

Mystico’s Holiday Predictions, 2013

Aries  An expensive impulse purchase, ill-suited to your needs, is the perfect gift for a casual acquaintance whose gesture of kindness catches you off-guard. Taurus  You will grow impatient while watching a poorly paced “Christmas Carol” adaptation. Flip channels and risk missing a scene sure to prove helpful during next Wednesday’s crisis of faith. Gemini  […]

Mystico’s Predictions

Mystico’s Predictions

Aries  A boisterous Happy Hour spent with a friend who has opera tickets leads to an invite, when his plus-one cancels. Dress accordingly! Taurus  Some will see you as out of touch, upon loudly proclaiming your failure to “get” that Hunger Games movie. Just keep your mouth shut when the topic shifts to twerking. Gemini  […]

Horoscopes, Week of Nov. 25, 2013

Horoscopes, Week of Nov. 25, 2013

Aries  Unearthed from deep storage, an ugly holiday sweater compels you to wear it — sans irony — after an evening of uneasy dreams. Trust your visions! Taurus  The next full moon will be a fertile period for courting whoopee, whoopie and Whoopi — of, respectively, the love, pie and Goldberg varieties. Use your power […]

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