Mystico’s Golden Girls Horoscopes
Aquarius A crisis at work calls for the smarts of Dorothy, the cunning of Sophia, the sunny disposition of Rose, and the beguiling ways of Blanche.
Pisces Learn a lesson from the field mouse and the brown bear: Be friends with your ex, but draw the line at mating!
Aries You must improvise when a hurricane prevents the talent from showing up at that eight-hour telethon you’ve agreed to host.
Taurus A traffic cone made to look like a monkey is an effective, but hardly practical, replacement for the lost love you can’t get over. Get over it!
Gemini The apology offered by an old nemesis is like Stan’s toupee: obvious to all, and ripe for as many zingers as you can hurl at it!
Cancer That Miami theme song Dorothy and Rose wrote was really quite good. Second place doesn’t always mean second best!
Leo An offer on your home, a new moneymaking scheme, or a loved one’s possible move out of town will inspire a series of hilarious flashbacks highlighting your past few years.
Virgo You don’t have to keep taking ice skating lessons just to prove a point or please another person. Quitting is acceptable when the alternative is misery!
Libra Reign in your spending habits, extravagant Libra, or end up in Shady Pines instead of Hollingsworth Manor.
Scorpio The expensive kitchen appliance you covet will end up like Coco, that gay cook from the pilot episode: used once, then never again.
Sagittarius Beware that charming little hotel that beckons during a summer road trip. Their rates are reasonable, but you’ll be nickel and dimed on the extras!
Capricorn Tame your fiercely competitive streak or risk initiating an ugly field hockey incident that will force you to leave town.