Ask Aunt Chelsea, Week of June 19, 2014
Thanks so much for your cards and letters of concern, while I’ve been recuperating from knee surgery (at the Fire Island time share of my favorite nephew, Scotty). Rest assured, I’m tired of resting — and will be back as of our July 3 edition. In the meantime, our Pride issue is the perfect time to dip into the vaults and rerun this doozy of a letter. Originally printed back in May, you should know that the reader has since taken my advice, sans viral video, to great success. So feel free to crib the following, should you run into a similar problem.
With Love and Pride,
Dear Aunt Chelsea,
I’m in a bind. Two old friends are getting married and I just received the invitation for me and a guest. The problem is, I’m in a very serious triad relationship. How do I decide who to take? Would it be tacky of me to request plus one more?
Triple Millennial Player
Although the angle of a “triad” (three people in one relationship) may add a fresh wrinkle to the rich tapestry of sexual dynamics being navigated by today’s young people, your quirky quandary boils down to a few simple, time-tested matters of nuptial etiquette. So let’s take them one by one, shall we? And hey, since you’ve obviously got the swing of doing it in threes, I’ll spice up my advice by breaking it into four parts.
First, place a call to your friends and explain the situation. I’m betting this isn’t the only non-traditional choice they’ve seen you make. I’m also betting they’ll welcome all involved with open arms. So make plans to attend the wedding — and good luck finding three side-by-side seats on the plane!
Second, take a page from the playbook of countless gays who’ve walked down the aisle and exchanged rings. Come reception time, you’re going to get a ton of well-meaning, but incredibly ignorant comments from basically decent people who haven’t the foggiest idea what your relationship is about, yet can’t resist rubbernecking. Be patient and pleasant ambassadors for your “lifestyle,” and have a little competition between the three of you: Best impression of the most stupid question gets to decide where to eat and what movies to watch for the next month!
Third, have a great dance routine prepared. Tell the DJ to crank it up, take to the floor and give all in attendance a viral video sure to show the world that a triad relationship is just plain fun!
Finally, each of you should bring your own gift — and make sure they’re all from the upscale end of the Registry list. This generous move will at least make a convert out of whoever catches the bouquet, because they’ll realize that the more triad couples they invite, the more presents they’ll get! Asking people to walk a mile in your shoes is all fine and dandy…but nothing wins hearts and minds like free stuff.
Now go to that wedding and have a great time…and make sure Aunt Chelsea gets an invite when the legislature catches up with the changing times and greenlights your own marital ambitions, should they ever materialize.