Mystico’s Cinematic Horoscopes |

Mystico’s Cinematic Horoscopes


Help an elderly neighbor who needs a ride to Mos Eisley, and earn a free lesson on the ways of the force. P.S. — that hologram is your twin sister!

You will join The Preacher’s Wife and The Farmer’s Daughter, in pursuit of The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit.

Next Tuesday will culminate in a breathtaking chase scene atop Mount Rushmore, allowing you to finally conquer that pesky vertigo.

Your ability to express joy through movement will lift the spirits of a small town where dancing has been outlawed. Everybody cut footloose!

Don’t turn your nose up at retro tech. Without pay phones, we’d never be able to escape The Matrix.

There are better ways to channel your aggression than by punching chilly slabs of hanging meat. Real fighters run the Museum of Art stairs!

Friends and family will delight in your novel use of a catch phrase made popular by a pair of mismatched cops who somehow make an effective team.

Stop resenting happy little bluebirds for their ability to fly beyond the rainbow. The bliss you seek is right where your slippers stand.

Make sure your umbrella isn’t upside down. Those pennies from heaven are actually the toxic byproduct of Purple Rain!

The advent of talkies will render moot much of your silent film appeal. Adapt to the new style, or fade into oblivion.

You’re no one-hit wonder — but don’t bow to pressure for a sequel until you have something new and better to say.

Upon being mistaken for a spy in possession of coveted microchips, you will go on the lam in search of the twin you never knew you had. This begins at 2pm next Monday.