Mystico’s Eerily Accurate Horoscopes
Aries Beware the rash impulse to purchase that optional in-store warranty. Like blessings for sneezing atheists, they are rarely worth the effort.
Taurus This is a horrible week to set goals. Time is to be frittered, money is to be wasted and orders are to be super-sized!
Gemini A little bird called Buzzfeed tells Mystico: Your 80s band is Eurythmics, your boxing move is the uppercut and your miniseries is (Carl Sagan’s) “Cosmos.”
Cancer Don’t let snippy, snotty or downright nasty naysayers preclude you from offering up no less than seven selfless gestures throughout the upcoming weekend. National security depends on it!
Leo The rift stemming from an unfulfilled promise, made in mid-March, is like a ski bum’s broken leg: healed in time, but a real pain until then.
Virgo Put away your complaints about the snow — and prepare a series of pithy, observations about pollen and street fairs.
Libra The restraint required during Lent’s latter weeks will test your mettle. Strengthen that steely resolve!
Scorpio A single viral video will forever change your opinion of dangerous stunts, talented cats and wedding toasts.
Sagittarius Be on the lookout for the tall woman dressed in yellow, carrying two shopping bags. She alone knows what you should wear tomorrow!
Capricorn This is an excellent week to take up Pilates, learn French cooking, start a new business and travel extensively.
Aquarius A moment spent in deep, meditative reflection will have dire consequences, if taken while crossing the street. Learn to focus!
Pisces Earmarking your tax refund for lavish indulgences will have no real consequences — with the possible exception of excessive fun!